The Old Me VS The Current Me

WARNING! DARK THEMED POST!

If you are triggered or oblivious or ignorant about mental issues, stay away!

I've been going through my old posts and I'm honestly a bit sad. And yeah, it was cringy! 😂 I'm sad because I was once so full of life and passion. In each of my posts, regardless of them making me cringe, I still felt that I was once a person who had a potential to shine despite the 💩 I went through and the heaviness I carried inside my heart. 

My personality is the same though. I took the 16 personality test back then and recently. Both revealed the same personality. Till this day, the description still resonate truly to me. But there is a change. I've always been positive about life. I was almost naively positive before, that was just how much light and passion I had. Now, I'm positive, but it's tainted with some dark hues. Pitch black hues to be honest. No, it's not Covid-19. I've been like this for awhile. As each year comes, the initially dark hues became darker. Now, some part of my canvas are pitch black. Been trying countless times to splash some white there, but I only managed to sprinkle some white instead. Well, at least they look like stars in the night sky. I guess, that's why people can't tell somewhere along the line, I've already lost half of myself. It's coz I hid them well.

I used to run on positivity and passion. I remember waking up every morning because I want to study and score for exams. Despite having insomnia and had little sleep,  my passion and love for the positive side of life kept me going. I was going to achieve my goals and make my dreams come true. I never cursed. No matter how angry I was or effed up the situations were in my life, I never cursed. I would work my way around it. Taking challenges almost head on. Almost because I don't like confrontations. Hahahaha 😂

But the me now, run on the thought that I don't want to be more of a burden than I already am. I wake up with dread every single morning. Sometimes, I wake up only to do the things I have to and then force myself back to sleep to forget about this life. If I couldn't fall asleep (insomnia~), I would just lie down and escape to a world in my mind where life is different and are not held up by tainted values of this world. At least in the world that I created, I am still me. 100% me. Most of the time of the day, I'm not sleeping though. I'm just trying to stay afloat. Doing things to help me get through life. My ultimate goal is TO BE DONE WITH THIS SHIT.

There was a time that I was searching and desperately calling for my passion to come back to me coz somewhere along the line, I seemed to have lost it. I didn't know where to start honestly. So, I struggled and fought till the whole fibre of my being just couldn't anymore. And I'm fat, imagine how much fibre of my being that was 😜

Then one day, it came back. I was more enthusiastic about my life. It came back because the lecturers for the particular posting were very encouraging. They taught well, they gave motivation, they were understanding and kind. How doctors should be. They were amazing. For a while, I thought to myself, I can do this! 

Then more shit happened. I have a toxic college guys. I will talk about all this once I graduate. I don't want to be expelled before I finish my studies. Basically, my passion was murdered. I lost it again. But this time, it wasn't off wandering like before. It's in my heart, but it's dead. I don't know if I can revive it. I tried countless times. I tried to do the things I used to love to do and try to find the little joys in life. But, I can't seem to breathe life into it anymore. I'm still trying. Which is the reason why I start blogging again. In hopes that perhaps my passion will be revived. I want to be the me that was full of life. As of now, I'm just a wreck. A bundle of nerves just waiting to have a mental breakdown. 

And after online classes started, I'm becoming more and more of a bitter person. I'm worried that once I get back to college, I will be so bitter that I couldn't hide it. Truthfully, I have lost respect for a lot of my lecturers after online classes started. The previous posting was such a back stab. The current one is two-faced. I just can't. I am scolded or ridiculed every single day for something that is not my fault. I'm even more bitter than unsweetened coffee and bitter gourds. A story for another day. If I live to see that day, I will post it here.  

Another reason why I decided to blog again is to find myself again. Maybe among these words that I typed down or pen down, I can find the pieces of me that used to make me full. Maybe by blogging, it helps me make sense of my feelings and my thoughts. I hope I do get to find myself again. At least, most of me if not all. I want to see the world in the eyes of a person that sees the good and can ignore the bad despite it being right in front of her eyes. I want to be the kind of woman who, when my feet hit the floor each morning, the devil says "Oh, shit! She's up!". 

I'm sorry for the dark post. Just needed to get this out there I guess. This is not something I can talk about with anyone. Coz no one gets it. Not even my family. 

This is Erna signing out! Tutt... Tutt...